With all the physically challenging stuff we do here, it's no surprise that most of us are fully of capable of sleeping while standing. I am willing to bet that every single one of us falls asleep within 10 minutes after lying on our beds.
So it is with ample surprise that you still find soldiers having spent sleepless, restless nights. How? Oh, it's simple: night duties of various kinds. The most common of which is the Administrator duty, which lasts a full 24 hours.
A new admin, with his or her two assistants take on the post in the evening, spend most of the night awake, sleeping only 4 hours, if all goes well, and must ensure the smooth running of the division they are in charge of. They call the shots on what uniform to wear, where to be at what time and whom to allow and whom not to allow on the premises. I have had the lovely honour of being admin from tonight, hence the late hour of the post, and boy do I feel sleepy. I cannot imagine I will be more than a zombie come dawn.
Sunday, 24 August 2014
Sleepless Nights
Free Time
Time is an interesting thing. Human beings are the only creatures on ths earth who see the need to measure the time it takes for the sun to rise, set and rise again and then set specific routines, depending on where the sun is.
But on to my point. Our time in the Defence Forces is very exactly measured and planned. We have a very strict routine right down to the minute we have our meals and when we go to bed. I mean, we even have a very specific time for our battery to eat in the cafeteria before the next batallion marches in, and it's 15 minutes. 15 minutes after 120 men march in for lunch, another 120 men march into a cafeteria that I doubt accommodates 200 at a time. No pressure.
The interesting part, however, is not that we have to do at what time and in how much time, but rather what we do when we DON'T have some deadline to make. Free time. The time when we can pull out our electronics and chat with friends and family (or blog, for those who don't have enough friends or family to chat with). At times it can't even be considered close to being sufficient, and at other times, it feels as though there's so much of it that you might as well sleep for a few hours and still sit picking your nose in boredom.
So what do we do with the free time? Well, that depends on the day. On a lovely weekday, we are luckyto get half an hour of free time. Not much blogging to do there. Maybe a quick blog on what happened yesterday? Or perhaps a call to the girlfriend who misses her other half like crazy. On weekends? Oh, dear. I don't know. Sit on the stool by the bed and wish we could sleep on the bed (No sleeping on the bed during the day. AT ALL). Sit by the table, listening to some music or audio book and solve 20 or so sudokus or crossword puzzles. Run a lap or five around the perimeter, after all heaven knows we don't run enough. Work out (we don't do enough of that either, apparently). Blog (Where do you think the long posts come from? Magic?). Still not your cup of tea? Oh, well. For those who don't like any of the afore mentioned, there's always the friendly neighbourhood café, "Sõdurikodu", or "SK" for short. Filled with food, TVs, two XBox 360 game consoles, a handful of computers, a pool table, table football, guitars, and a drum-set (which are currently annoyingly disrupting my concentration as I type. :P ). All in all, not a bad set up. Ah, yes. We have saunas too.
Join us! We have Saunas and Stuff!
But on to my point. Our time in the Defence Forces is very exactly measured and planned. We have a very strict routine right down to the minute we have our meals and when we go to bed. I mean, we even have a very specific time for our battery to eat in the cafeteria before the next batallion marches in, and it's 15 minutes. 15 minutes after 120 men march in for lunch, another 120 men march into a cafeteria that I doubt accommodates 200 at a time. No pressure.
The interesting part, however, is not that we have to do at what time and in how much time, but rather what we do when we DON'T have some deadline to make. Free time. The time when we can pull out our electronics and chat with friends and family (or blog, for those who don't have enough friends or family to chat with). At times it can't even be considered close to being sufficient, and at other times, it feels as though there's so much of it that you might as well sleep for a few hours and still sit picking your nose in boredom.
So what do we do with the free time? Well, that depends on the day. On a lovely weekday, we are luckyto get half an hour of free time. Not much blogging to do there. Maybe a quick blog on what happened yesterday? Or perhaps a call to the girlfriend who misses her other half like crazy. On weekends? Oh, dear. I don't know. Sit on the stool by the bed and wish we could sleep on the bed (No sleeping on the bed during the day. AT ALL). Sit by the table, listening to some music or audio book and solve 20 or so sudokus or crossword puzzles. Run a lap or five around the perimeter, after all heaven knows we don't run enough. Work out (we don't do enough of that either, apparently). Blog (Where do you think the long posts come from? Magic?). Still not your cup of tea? Oh, well. For those who don't like any of the afore mentioned, there's always the friendly neighbourhood café, "Sõdurikodu", or "SK" for short. Filled with food, TVs, two XBox 360 game consoles, a handful of computers, a pool table, table football, guitars, and a drum-set (which are currently annoyingly disrupting my concentration as I type. :P ). All in all, not a bad set up. Ah, yes. We have saunas too.
Join us! We have Saunas and Stuff!
Divisions
Right, so it's about time we cleared up the army divisions, for those sorry people whjo have no idea what a platoon or battery is.
Let's start it off simple. We have a soldier. Cool. Big deal. Wait, this is boring..... let's take two instead. Aah, yes. Two soldiers. They can watch each other's backs and cover for each other. A nice pair, no? No? OK. Fine, let's take a few more pairs then. Maybe four or five? Yes. 8-10 soldiers. A Squad. Now that's definately cool. You can have two of them man some heavy machine gun and another two man the anti-tank weapons. One idiot on the radio/telephone and one medic, to patch up the most clumsy and unlucky Probably also need a leader, an assistant and a grunt or two to fire off and/or soak up bullets. Damn, these guys can do quite a bit. Why do we even need pairs anyway? Oh, well. We'll see.
But..... 10 men.... don't you think that's still very small? Not impressive at all... Fine, let's take a few more squads. Three or four squads should do. A platoon (I once madethe mistake of calling it a team), 30-40 soldiers. Well, now. That's just big. Very little they can't handle. You'd need something massive to take them out. Hmmm... But, bigger is better right? So.... What about three or four platoons? Aah. A Company (or Battery, if you're in the Artillery). A nice 120-160 men. That's a lot of mouths to feed, and that's no joke. :P
What, a battery still not big enough? You want to upscale some more? How about a battalion? No? A Brigade? No? Well, sorry. That's just too large for my little brain to comprehend. :P
Let's start it off simple. We have a soldier. Cool. Big deal. Wait, this is boring..... let's take two instead. Aah, yes. Two soldiers. They can watch each other's backs and cover for each other. A nice pair, no? No? OK. Fine, let's take a few more pairs then. Maybe four or five? Yes. 8-10 soldiers. A Squad. Now that's definately cool. You can have two of them man some heavy machine gun and another two man the anti-tank weapons. One idiot on the radio/telephone and one medic, to patch up the most clumsy and unlucky Probably also need a leader, an assistant and a grunt or two to fire off and/or soak up bullets. Damn, these guys can do quite a bit. Why do we even need pairs anyway? Oh, well. We'll see.
But..... 10 men.... don't you think that's still very small? Not impressive at all... Fine, let's take a few more squads. Three or four squads should do. A platoon (I once madethe mistake of calling it a team), 30-40 soldiers. Well, now. That's just big. Very little they can't handle. You'd need something massive to take them out. Hmmm... But, bigger is better right? So.... What about three or four platoons? Aah. A Company (or Battery, if you're in the Artillery). A nice 120-160 men. That's a lot of mouths to feed, and that's no joke. :P
What, a battery still not big enough? You want to upscale some more? How about a battalion? No? A Brigade? No? Well, sorry. That's just too large for my little brain to comprehend. :P
Saturday, 23 August 2014
The Hundred Acre Wood
Eleven days in the forest can give you such a stink in the clothes! (Hands up who knows which kids movie quote I just minced.)
So... er...... Forest. It's bit, it's full of trees, and the assholes in charge of us succeeded in finding the only stretch of land in Estonia that is NOT flat. There were so many hills in such a small piece of land, that I have absolutely no idea how it's possible. Of course, running around in full gear over said hills is...... not exactly my idea of fun. :P
So, what did we do in the forest? Here we go!
Camoflauge
The very first thing we did/got was a stick of two tone camo (green and black) and we had to paste it on, thicker than the thickest make up you will ever see. On top of that, we assaulted a bunch of fir trees, taking their branches and putting them on our gear, to mask the outlines, making us a small forest of moving trees, because seeing 40 fir trees stand up and walk in single file through the forest is not suspicious at all. I didn't like the way the needles just kept on poking. :P
Tents
For the really cold and wet nights, we have the half-platoon tent, which fits 20 men. Of course, fitting here is pretty much the same way factories fit sardines in cans. Oh, yeah. That elbow room. That elbow room. Oh, and right in the middle of the tent is a beautiful little oven, to drive the moisture and cold out. Now, does anyone see a problem with fitting people like sardines around a red-hot (not joking, by the way) oven? No? Oh, OK. It's cool then.Oh, what? Someone has to watch the oven all night? Oh, OK. So let's just shave off an hour or two of sleep and add a red-hot oven into the mix I think I'm perfectly fine with that. :)
Trekking
Don't even get me started. Did I mention the hills? They were more like cliffs and mountains I had to climb over. IN GEAR. After all this, I had better be able to carry two or three younger cousins and siblings on my shoulders all at once for an hour or two. If not, I'm asking for my money back (no, I didn't pay money for it, so there's no money to ask for). Shameless plug incoming: I can't say how much the 10 Snickers bars saved my life. Those things were my emergency fuel because we all know that 24h survival rations are not exactly brimming with calories and energy. Don't get me wrong, they get most of the job done, I wasn't simply living off of Snickers bars, but the bars certainly picked up where the rations couldn't go any further. From here on in, I hereby ADORE Snickers bars.
Orienteering
Hey dawg, I learned you like getting lost in the forest. So let's get lost in the forest while we're lost in the forest! :D :P
Oh, and to make it interesting, let's do it at night, so that you get no sleep, it's pitch black and.... Oh, I know! Patrols that you should avoid. Oh, and you're not allowed to use lights. Now GO!
I need to eat more carrots. :P And work on my stealth.
Patrolling and guarding posts
It would be a shame if some annoying "spy" entered the camp while we sleep, so..... Let's set up guard posts on all the entry points and an all-night patrol. What's that? There's no enemy and therefore no spies? NONSENSE! An extra hour patrolling for you! (no, that didn't happen. :) )
Because it's obvious tat we were getting too much sleep (6-7 hours? Preposterous! You don't need that much sleep!), we had to patrol and/or guard posts in hourly shifts. If you were really unlucky, you got a full-day shift guarding the roads heading to the shooting range, so that no silly civilians got caught in the hail of bullets. I mean, just because it's the Central Polygon of the Estonian Defence Forces doesn't mean that civilians don't see it as their right to enter.
Wake-up calls and Morning Excercises
I hereby love my alarm clock, for it doesn't demolish my tent to wake me up. It also doesn't throw grenades into my tent to wake me up. Neither does it throw more grenades into the middle of the mess of tents to wake everyone else up. And to top off the wake up, we have a wonderful surprise for you: a morning run through the forest (did I mention the mountains and cliffs?) at a speed that leaves everyone gasping for breath and wishing they were dead?
Grenades
You know the little green things that blow up in your face? Yeah, they are cool. Except when you have bosses like ours. Those guys are like little boys with toys, tossing grenades (OK, they were learner grenades, not the real deal) left right and centre.
Oh, what's that? People are not working fast enough? GRENADE! Hmmm... Wake-up calls are not working well enough? GRENADE! Oh, I'm sorry... are you bored at your post? GRENADE! Hmmm..... I see you're peacefully refilling your water bottle. I wonder...... GRENADE! Oh, what's that? You're practising your grenade throw? GRENADE!
Alarm
We were given defence positions around the perimeter. If, at any point in time the alarm were raised, we were to stop whatever we were doing (even if it was taking a crap (or killing a bear as we called it), put on our battle gear and sprint to the defence positions. Fun, yes? Did I mention the hills?
Oh, and the cause for alarm? Anything. An accidental misfire? ALARM! Someone left their weapon unattended? ALARM! Someone forgot to remove their clip from their rifle before making it "safe"? ALARM - On that topic, the idea is to take out the clip then reload. That way, the bullet currently sitting in the gun gets kicked out and as there is no clip, there are no more bullets to take. If you were an idiot and douchebag and left the clip in.... Yep. You got another bullet in the gun thus nullifying your work. Such situations always ended up with an unexpected gunshot. Not life fire, thankfully: always blanks.
The STICK
For those idiots who simply have to mess something up, you give them The Stick. More accurately, you give them a flipping huge log that they have to lug around for a day or two, just because.
These are the highlights. I know this because I left my notes on the forest camp in my other trousers and these are the things that I remembered. Despite the dripping sarcasm and what it might imply, I had lots of fun and enjoyed myself thoroughly. I might make a follow-up post expounding on something, or describing some awesome thing that happened.
So... er...... Forest. It's bit, it's full of trees, and the assholes in charge of us succeeded in finding the only stretch of land in Estonia that is NOT flat. There were so many hills in such a small piece of land, that I have absolutely no idea how it's possible. Of course, running around in full gear over said hills is...... not exactly my idea of fun. :P
So, what did we do in the forest? Here we go!
Camoflauge
The very first thing we did/got was a stick of two tone camo (green and black) and we had to paste it on, thicker than the thickest make up you will ever see. On top of that, we assaulted a bunch of fir trees, taking their branches and putting them on our gear, to mask the outlines, making us a small forest of moving trees, because seeing 40 fir trees stand up and walk in single file through the forest is not suspicious at all. I didn't like the way the needles just kept on poking. :P
Tents
For the really cold and wet nights, we have the half-platoon tent, which fits 20 men. Of course, fitting here is pretty much the same way factories fit sardines in cans. Oh, yeah. That elbow room. That elbow room. Oh, and right in the middle of the tent is a beautiful little oven, to drive the moisture and cold out. Now, does anyone see a problem with fitting people like sardines around a red-hot (not joking, by the way) oven? No? Oh, OK. It's cool then.Oh, what? Someone has to watch the oven all night? Oh, OK. So let's just shave off an hour or two of sleep and add a red-hot oven into the mix I think I'm perfectly fine with that. :)
Trekking
Don't even get me started. Did I mention the hills? They were more like cliffs and mountains I had to climb over. IN GEAR. After all this, I had better be able to carry two or three younger cousins and siblings on my shoulders all at once for an hour or two. If not, I'm asking for my money back (no, I didn't pay money for it, so there's no money to ask for). Shameless plug incoming: I can't say how much the 10 Snickers bars saved my life. Those things were my emergency fuel because we all know that 24h survival rations are not exactly brimming with calories and energy. Don't get me wrong, they get most of the job done, I wasn't simply living off of Snickers bars, but the bars certainly picked up where the rations couldn't go any further. From here on in, I hereby ADORE Snickers bars.
Orienteering
Hey dawg, I learned you like getting lost in the forest. So let's get lost in the forest while we're lost in the forest! :D :P
Oh, and to make it interesting, let's do it at night, so that you get no sleep, it's pitch black and.... Oh, I know! Patrols that you should avoid. Oh, and you're not allowed to use lights. Now GO!
I need to eat more carrots. :P And work on my stealth.
Patrolling and guarding posts
It would be a shame if some annoying "spy" entered the camp while we sleep, so..... Let's set up guard posts on all the entry points and an all-night patrol. What's that? There's no enemy and therefore no spies? NONSENSE! An extra hour patrolling for you! (no, that didn't happen. :) )
Because it's obvious tat we were getting too much sleep (6-7 hours? Preposterous! You don't need that much sleep!), we had to patrol and/or guard posts in hourly shifts. If you were really unlucky, you got a full-day shift guarding the roads heading to the shooting range, so that no silly civilians got caught in the hail of bullets. I mean, just because it's the Central Polygon of the Estonian Defence Forces doesn't mean that civilians don't see it as their right to enter.
Wake-up calls and Morning Excercises
I hereby love my alarm clock, for it doesn't demolish my tent to wake me up. It also doesn't throw grenades into my tent to wake me up. Neither does it throw more grenades into the middle of the mess of tents to wake everyone else up. And to top off the wake up, we have a wonderful surprise for you: a morning run through the forest (did I mention the mountains and cliffs?) at a speed that leaves everyone gasping for breath and wishing they were dead?
Grenades
You know the little green things that blow up in your face? Yeah, they are cool. Except when you have bosses like ours. Those guys are like little boys with toys, tossing grenades (OK, they were learner grenades, not the real deal) left right and centre.
Oh, what's that? People are not working fast enough? GRENADE! Hmmm... Wake-up calls are not working well enough? GRENADE! Oh, I'm sorry... are you bored at your post? GRENADE! Hmmm..... I see you're peacefully refilling your water bottle. I wonder...... GRENADE! Oh, what's that? You're practising your grenade throw? GRENADE!
Alarm
We were given defence positions around the perimeter. If, at any point in time the alarm were raised, we were to stop whatever we were doing (even if it was taking a crap (or killing a bear as we called it), put on our battle gear and sprint to the defence positions. Fun, yes? Did I mention the hills?
Oh, and the cause for alarm? Anything. An accidental misfire? ALARM! Someone left their weapon unattended? ALARM! Someone forgot to remove their clip from their rifle before making it "safe"? ALARM - On that topic, the idea is to take out the clip then reload. That way, the bullet currently sitting in the gun gets kicked out and as there is no clip, there are no more bullets to take. If you were an idiot and douchebag and left the clip in.... Yep. You got another bullet in the gun thus nullifying your work. Such situations always ended up with an unexpected gunshot. Not life fire, thankfully: always blanks.
The STICK
For those idiots who simply have to mess something up, you give them The Stick. More accurately, you give them a flipping huge log that they have to lug around for a day or two, just because.
These are the highlights. I know this because I left my notes on the forest camp in my other trousers and these are the things that I remembered. Despite the dripping sarcasm and what it might imply, I had lots of fun and enjoyed myself thoroughly. I might make a follow-up post expounding on something, or describing some awesome thing that happened.
Saturday, 9 August 2014
Metsa Lähen Ma...
On Monday, the whole Battery is going to live in the forrest. For two weeks. In tents and stuff. I'll be gone for a while. And I'll probably have a lot to write about when I get back. Till then.... I don't know. Re-read my previous posts. :P
Tuesday, 5 August 2014
Grinding Gears
You know what really grinds my gears?
No, I don't know the correct format for "Grinding Gears". Deal with it.
1. People shouting in me ear. So we have this system where one of us is in charge of the platoon for a day. The lucky ones are in charge even longer and the idiot in charge yesterday (Monday) not only didn't know how to be in charge, but shouted annoyingly. At least we can't say we didn't hear him. On the other hand, I might not hear anything anymore. :P
2. People shouting the songs. So we have a "Battery Song". All companies and batteries have one. But that's the thing: they're meant to be SONGS! So when people shout out, as loud as they can, in a monotone...... Yeah. Something's wrong there. To make it worse, after shouting, the platoonees are increadibly proud of themselves for drowning out the gay pioneers with their shouts. I am all for the drowning out, but I'd like it if people SANG!
3. Silly questions. Every group has one. That annoying idiot who asks the silliest questions. Nuff said.
4. Drill Sargeants.
5. Wake up calls.
Edit: I will add to this list soon.
Saturday, 2 August 2014
FREEDOM!
Thou shalt follow all the rules we have internally while outside. Thou shalt not swear or curse, thou shalt not cause a ruckus. Thou shalt not purchase or consume alcohol while in uniform. Thou shalt not use narcotics while in uniform. Thou shalt not enlist the services of a commercial sex worker while in uniform. Thou shalt not combine articles of civilian clothing, such as a "Hello Kitty" t-shirt with the uniform. Thou shalt return before the alloted time. Failure to do so shall result in strong disciplinary measures. Thou shall return in full uniform. Thou shalt return with a respectable hairstyle and shaven. Thou shalt not return with illegal items including, but not limited to your cousin's dog, a commercial sex worker, or said cousin, if said cousin is not in the Estonian Defence Forces. Thou shalt return sober and not under the influence of any narcotics.
These were the cmmandments given to me by our platoon elder. Almost word for word (including the "Hello Kitty" shirt part). Oh yeah, I got two days of freedom in civilisation, because apparently I was such a good sport for the past 5 weeks. Yay for me! I can breathe in that fresh, free, civilian air and feel the smooth fabric of civilian clothing. While it lasts.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)