Lessons from the Forest - Part 2

Boom. Let's begin:

1. Bradleys are not subtle. Neither are they stealthy. You can hear the things from kilometres away. The droning sound actually reminds me of bees. Hundreds of bees converging on your position. Needless to say, we got ample time to prepare for an American attack simply because we heard them coming from kilometres away.
2. Digging in is dirty work. Don't throw spadefuls of sandy soil on or near your rifle. Getting said rifle clean with only a toothbrush and very little oil is almost impossible.
3. MG3 machine guns don't work. Or at least ours doesn't, ours here being the one our squad was issued. I was the machine gunner's aide and, essentially, being his aide meant I did most of the shooting, while the machine gunner swore at the MG3, trying to make the thing fire off a burst.
4. Estonia doesn't sell any black tea worthy of my thermos. However, due to incredibly cold weather I am forced to taint my thermos with fifth rate "black tea", simply in order to have something hot to drink. Honestly, the tea isn't even worth the water it's made with
5. The above also goes for the powdered milk. I mean, yes, powdered milk has nothing on real milk, but even when desperate for something creamy to put in "tea", it's still not worth the bother.
6. And cocoa.
7. Plastic sporks are amazing. Lighter than tourist sets (metal spoon, fork and blunt knife) and with better knives. Right up until they break. Then you'll wish you brought the tourist set along.
8. Feed soldiers nothing but one-time food rations and you'll have deserters in two weeks. 24h rations are advised.
9. The cafeteria is a 5-star restaurant, even when they deliver.
10. Always have a secret food horde that even you don't know of. It raises morale like nobody's business when it's finally found.
11. You can never have too many pockets. What you CAN have, however, are too full pockets.
12. If your feet get sore in the first 8km of your 45km trek, you're one sorry soldier. It's going to be a s**tty trek. Pray you don't get hedgehogs.
13. If you get hedgehogs on the first 10km of your 45km trek.... Heh.
14. If after both points above you end up in an American ambush, you better hope they're using live rounds. If you're not so lucky...... I think you get the picture. Hopefully you don't get another ambush. If you get another ambush 5km away, the world dislikes you.
15. Americans are immortal. Not even 6 Carl Gustaf High-Explosive rounds can kill a Bradley at point-blank range. And a 100 round belt of MG3 rounds will not kill your average Bradley gunner either, not even when you add a clip some 5.56mm rounds and aim for the head.
16. Americans are blind. Seriously! 5m further and you, Sir from Texas, would have fallen right on top of me! Can't you see me standing here shooting at you?! How about the MG3 right here to my left? No? OK, what about the guy, 3m tall, swearing like mad at the afore-mentioned MG3? No? OK.
17. American night-vision is OP. I died twice, as the Americans tiptoed past my position in the darkest of night and shot from behind.
18. Mornings are made by ice demons. Nights too. And days.

Douches

Conscripts in the EDF come from all walks of Estonian life. It's , to quote my lieutenant, "A very accurate cross section of the Estonian society."
From what I've understood, most people complain that their served time was a total waste and absolutely horrible, mostly because their supervising officers were ass-holes, or the people serving time with them were annoying to the extreme. I'm not sure how much of this is simply Estonians being hateful Estonians (and they REALLY know how to be hateful, no doubt about that) as I can't say that my time has been annoying; on the contrary, the crazy fools I serve time with make sure there is no dull moment. Death by laughter is more probable right now than and shell, shrapnel or bullet, and all insults are given and taken with enough humour to make it feel more like a fluffy pillow smacking your face than a sucker-punch to the gonads.

Of course, this is a rant post! Haven't heard of one? Perhaps you should have a look at posts from one of my other blogs. "Thoughts of a Slightly Disturbed Gentleman" should do the trick. What? Doesn't feel like a rant post? Wait for it....

Growing up in Kenya has developed some reflexes that come in handy at times. The one that currently seems most appropriate and necessary is the "Turn off the bloody TAP!!!" reflex. It is unbelievably unnerving how much water Estonians waste during their morning ablutions. Take the simple act of brushing your teeth and then shaving off the stubble trying to conquer your face. An act that takes about 10 minutes, depending on how much of a hurry you are in (or aren't..... up to you). Now, a water-loving nut can boast that they succeeded in doing it with just a glass of water. I'm no such nut. I let the water flow, but only as long as my hand is beneath the tap (i.e. I'm using the water). Some (and I don't mean one or two) don't see the need to do so, leaving the tap running on full pressure as they brush their teeth and shave, wasting around 10 times more water than they use. On confronting one, in the early days of my basic training, one such douche replied, "But it's not me paying for the water," leaving the "...so what do I care?" part to my imagination. Another would say, "What, you expect me to close the tap when I'm not using the water?!" [A quick interruption here: Estonian taps, unlike the common taps found in Kenya work with a very easy to use lever that you pull up, and water flows. Push the lever down and the water stops flowing. To turn off the flow of water takes about as much pressure and energy as turning off the lights or pressing a button on your keyboard] And while you might see me as being weird, trying to conserve water in a country where water isn't a problem, I might rebut with the same old, "Water shortages are a global problem," or, "It's in the principle of it." I could also say that these are the same douchebags who complain of low water pressure every morning, leaving me thinking, "Well, if every third soldier here leaves the tap on while they shave, then I'm not surprised we have low water pressure, hell I'm surprised the entire town doesn't complain of pressure drops every morning and evening!" But, hey. Who am I kidding? It's Estonia!I'm practically the only one who sees this as a douche move. How about what other Estonians think about douchebags?

I share a room with a person even the Estonians feel is a real douche. So this guy is lazy and complains every time he is given an assignment, saying that he is the only one doing any work here and that everyone else keeps picking on him. Of course, his portfolio is very impressive, when it comes to achievements. Here are a few: losing practically every piece of equipment he is issued, left his phone on a bench at the railway station (said it was stolen), lost his expensive earphones (stolen, again), lost elements of his uniform, including two pairs of gloves and a jacket (essential in the winter, nobody has any idea how he succeeded), slacks off on every assignment (leaving the rest of us to deal with the problem), arrives late EVERYWHERE, the list is practically endless. All the while he sits with his thumbs and nose in his brand new phone and innocently complains that we pick on him, whenever anyone feels it necessary to pull him out of the phone and into some work. Most enjoyable is his carefree attitude and the fact that he makes it perfectly clear to all that he has no interest in being here. But that's just everyone else's opinion. I'm sure he feels misunderstood and is actually innocent of all charge.
There are others closely following the previous gentleman's methods. It seems that despite my optimistic view of my comrades, even I can't ignore some actual douches.

Now I feel like a complete fool and will stop this post right here. (What can I say? I forgot how to rant! :( )

Winter Has Come

Some may think Winter is still coming, but screw them. The moment you wake up in the morning to see that there are no more dew drops on the ground and instead everything onto which dew usually settles is covered in a thin film of white, you know Winter is no longer just coming but actually just round the corner. And if the day after that, you have a lovely morning, where every single surface is covered in a thin sheet of ice, that's Autumn playing a final prank before the snowfall that makes it final: Winter is here, so deal with it! :P
That's what we got last week, Friday. Needless to say, marching on slippery ice is an experience all unto itself. Oh, and while doing a perimeter jog, I slipped and fell and slid about one meter further, on my stomach. Just thought I'd mention it.

And as for today, even with double socks and double gloves, it still felt as though my fingers and toes were about to fall off. Oh, and our silly fluffy hats that make us all look like Russians don't hold any heat and leave half the head uncovered. At least the jackets work, though I wouldn't be surprised if they worked on the principle of: Work the muscles, generate heat. They are almost annoyingly heavy.
But I guess I'll just chill out and leave this silly post as it is. Enjoy.

Edit: I wouldn't be surprised if we get ear infections from all the cold air blowing into them.

A Breath of Fresh Air

When I first came to Estonia, I was partially surprised by the number of smokers in such a small and beautiful country. Having to spend most of my time outside holding my breath was a feat deserving of a medal, I used to think.
It is nothing compared to the ammount of smoking that takes place in the army. Every building has a smoking area not further than 10 m from the main door and the smoking areas are large enough to comfortably seat 20 and that still leaves plenty of standing room.
During our basic training, smokers were given "smoking time" after every meal and they could buy more smoking times for an obscene number of push-ups. During the first part of our officer training, this was foregone in favour of just going for a smoke whenever you have a free moment. And now, during our specialist training (more on what it entails in another post) we have 10 smoking time practically every half hour, as it seems our instructors just can't do without a puff of filtered fresh air twice an hour.

Lessons from the Forest - Part 1

We had the lovely fortune of going to the forest twice in the span of three weeks. Here are the lessons learned from the first forest camp.
First, a quick overview of what happened: we set up a patrol camp base and went out on assignments, like reconnaissance, observation posts, ambushes and the like. Keeping in mind that all was done as stealthily as possible, since our opposition was the American Cavalry division (I'm not sure which one. The one currently in Estonia. That's the one), equipped with Humvees (from now on, HV-s), Bradleys, Strikers and whatever doohickeys they have stuffed into those vehicles (I know of thermo cameras and 30mm automatic cannons, neither of which is nice to have used against you).

Boom. Numbers. Because I felt like it.

1. Never expect to make it in time. We were meant to start at 10.00, we left 5 minutes later. We were meant to put up an observation post at 13.00. We put it up 3-4 hours later because our platoon lieutenant couldn't find us a suitable camp site fast enough and travel.... ahem.... trekking in full gear, through dense forest in order to bypass any patrolling HVs or Brads passing by is bloody time consuming. :P
2. Our guests stand out like sore thumbs. This Cav. Division just came from the desert, we get it. But still: Estonia is a woodland country. Woodland camo is necessary. Having Brads and HVs in desert yellow in the middle of a green-brown forest is not stealthy at all. :P
   And their movement on foot isn't stealthy either. Even the simplest of Estonian conscripts knows that in a fire-fight you take cover, not stand around in your desert camo in a clearing in the woods. A lower target is harder to see and once detected, just as hard to hit, especially when under effective fire. This brings us to the next lesson:
3. Americans are bulletproof, as our mock battles have proven. They stand in full view and no matter how many blanks I shoot in their direction, they don't get the hint that they've been killed. Our EDF conscripts, however, have suffered many casualties, determined by our judges (who are strict, if not particularly fair), under American blank fire.
4. Bradleys are loud. Seriously, get a muffler or something. You can hear them from 3 km away. :P
5. Americans are blind. It seems the fact that they fight upright means that they expect their opponents to be standing as well. It is incredible how close the Americans have come to us without noticing us. And there is nothing as satisfying as seeing the surprise on a Texan's face as a young fir tree, not more than 10m away opens fire with a burst of blanks. "Noisy Ninjas", the Americans have come to call us.
6. Americans move flipping fast. Our squad had a go at trying to slow down an American advance, in order to allow our platoon to evac. The Americans bulldosed us. Their advance was so insanely fast our entire squad was obliterated in no more than 5 minutes. Only our squad commander survived and that only because he legged it the first chance he got. So, yeah. I died. Andwe only killed 2 Yanks in that tactical withdrawal. At least the platoon evaquated. Though they left a lot of stuff behind.

This post is a condensed version of a larger one, describing our first forest camp in more detail. If I can gather enough time and can actually bother to finish the post (it is quite long and very in-depth), I might just publish it. Reader comments and pokes might also help.

GAS! GAS! GAS!

Tonight is going to be hard.
The café served us with such an incredible and memorable menu that I don't think we will be forgetting soon. I even forewent my planned posts in order to write this one.
Today's menu:
Breakfast - Some uninteresting porridge and salami-pickle sandwiches.
Lunch - Pea soup and blood pudding with jam, boiled potatoes and sauerkraut (Estonian festive delicacies).
Dinner - Rice with meat and bean sauce.

What's the problem with these? Oh, well.... Pea soup gives you gas (the nasty kind), sauerkraut even more so and the beans make the topping on the stinky cake. Our chambers just turned into gas chambers.
Crap. I haven't even written my will yet. :P